Fuck mum guilt!

In honour of @fuckmomguilt, here goes.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how deeply ingrained mum guilt is in our unconscious. That ill conceived idea that we should be self sacrificing, endlessly present, unflappable angels who never put a foot wrong.

Intellectually, I know I should look after myself. I know I’m human and I will make mistakes and that this isn’t the worst thing in the world. In fact, it’s good that my kids see all of me, not a stilted, resentful version holding it together at my own expense.

And yet the guilt seeps in.

Every time I get emotional because I’ve reached my limit.

Every time I snap, use short words, or get distracted when I should be present.

I once read a brilliant book, The Chimp Paradox, and one idea really stuck with me. Scrutinise your self talk. Watch out for absolute language like “I should”.

“I should have got dinner sorted earlier.”

“I should be calmer.”

“I should cope better.”

Instead, make a subtle shift that doesn’t erode your confidence.

Replace “should” with “could”.

“I could have got dinner on earlier.”

Feel the difference? The perfectionism softens. That line we were fed from an early age that mothers should be nothing less than perfect (WTF?!) loosens its grip.

The same goes for “must”. Try swapping it for “maybe” or “might”.

“I might try getting dinner on the table half an hour earlier.”

In the book, the author talks about treating unhelpful mental scripts like gremlins.

For example

“I must be a self sacrificing, perfectly present mother.”

That script can be removed.

First, notice the thought without judging it.

Name it for what it is an old program that no longer serves you.

Remind yourself it isn’t a fact it’s a learned belief.

Then consciously replace it with something more realistic and compassionate, like

“I am an imperfect, fun loving mother. My children do not need perfect, no child does. Children need connection. And I need time to recharge.”

Repeat the new message until it feels more familiar than the old one.

This doesn’t make the old messages disappear overnight, after all, they’re insidious.

The work is in rewiring them, again and again, like muscle memory.

I’d love to hear which gremlins other mums are working to remove?